When I first started thinking about this post, I kept envisioning the title sayings “Love Without Return,” but to be honest, the return of loving this precious little girl is huge. I am often showered with kisses & hugs from little bit, and appreciation & encouragement from those around me. It’s not the return on love that’s the hard part, its the idea of loving while knowing that there is no future.
I remember at the end of high school knowing that my high school sweetheart was going to a college far from mine, we struggled in deciding if we would stay together throughout the summer or not. We could spend three more months together soaking in the sun, but when there was no hope for a future past that, it just seemed like staying together would only make it harder. We went back and forth as many teenage relationships do, and yet we still had an emotional airport goodbye once August was upon us.
Now, 10 years later, I have a tiny, pink loving, affectionate, happy little beach nugget to love- all while knowing that this love has no future. I know that the end is near for us. I could so easily close off my heart right now to make the end hurt less. Yet, as I sit here thinking about it, if that’s what I felt like God was calling me to in life, then I never would have started this process to begin with.
I’ve been handed the greatest gift, and the biggest opportunity I’ve had to grow in my 28 years.
I’ve already begun to feel the pain of knowing she cannot stay with me forever. I can barely imagine what it will feel like when she leaves my home- I also know that it wouldn’t hurt so much when she does leave, if I didn’t love her as wholly and openly as I have been. It would make the coming months much more bearable and comfortable if I don’t give everything in me to be the best mom possible to her- but we aren’t made for comfort. This spunky, independent, hoot of a six year old deserves a mom who loves without reserve. She deserves a mom who celebrates her accomplishments, a mom who dries her tears in the hard moments and who disciplines her through the tough ones. She doesn’t deserve half a mom with half a heart.
Every time I want to close my heart and fear the future, every time I want to let the unknown dictate the known, I think about how the innocent child sleeping in the next room needs my love more than I need comfort. There are no boundaries in love. Although there will come a day, likely very soon, where my heart will break from losing her, I refuse to let my fear be bigger than my love.